Please wait while we create your listing....
Sandcastles in the Sky: Our exclusive interview with Clare Milford Haven
When your life is turned upside down in the most harrowing and cruel fashion, you have a choice. You can sink in the turbulence or try to swim to calmer waters, re-group and find a positive path forward. Clare Milford Haven talks about how losing her beloved 21 year old son to suicide has resulted in the creation of the pioneering charity James’ Place.
Following her son’s tragic death “life was never the same again” but Clare made a conscious decision “to do something positive” and out of this was born James’ Place with the first centre located in Liverpool, opened by HRH The Duke of Cambridge in June 2018.
Here was a sanctuary where young men could find their voice, an ear to listen and the chance to transform suicidal thoughts to life saving and coping strategies in order to move forward. As Clare is keen to stress “if caught at the right time and with the right intervention suicide is preventable”. In short, it is Clare’s lifelong ambition to grow the charity, raise awareness and prevent other men taking their lives.
Prior to the unexpected path her life took, Clare was a successful writer working for titles such as The Times, Evening Standard, Homes & Gardens and GQ. She was also Tatler’s Social Editor for eight years. Writing has always been Clare’s great love and it was during lockdown and with time on her hands that she decided to dig out the children’s book she had written several years ago.
The Magic Sandcastle takes a nostalgic look back at blissful summer holidays spent with her kids in Nantucket, where her mother had a holiday house. This enchanting book celebrates close family relationships, sun, sea and sand with a mix of resilience and determination.
“My mum created this amazing forum for all the grandchildren to be together, the key messages being the importance of family, of grandparents and all the special relationships which were formed and nurtured over 25 years. It’s about teamwork and collaboration and it’s also about resilience and never giving up when something gets you down. You need to keep striving even when you think you’ve lost and with hard work and determination you can still win.”
The book also displays the importance of “playing outside and using nature to create things. I don’t think kids do enough of that nowadays”. Finally, “it’s about fantasy and dreams and having a bit of magic in your life”. The irony of the contrast of life before and after James’ death is not lost on any of us. But the key messages of resilience, determination, importance of family and nature hold as true today as they were then and have given Clare the bedrock and the tools to help her move forward.
Clare is remarkably open and honest about her devastating experience. “My eldest son James very sadly, tragically and unexpectedly took his own life in December 2006, 10 days after a minor operation. None of us saw this coming – it was out of the blue but very connected to the operation he had as he was very anxious about the outcome.” James was studying Spanish and Business at Newcastle University and even though he didn’t ‘feel right’ decided to go back to Uni despite his mother’s protests.
Unbeknown to Clare, James took himself to a walk-in centre where he explained that he felt suicidal and was then referred directly to A&E to seek help. However, the extent of the queue and the physical ailments of the others made him feel that his mental state did not warrant the attention. In addition, it also transpired that James had sought help online without success. Ironically, Clare had a doctor’s appointment booked for James that following Monday but he never got there to get the help and advice he so badly needed.
Sadly, James’ story is all too common. Suicide is in fact the biggest killer of men. In short, if James was going to die aged 21, then the likelihood was that it would be from suicide.
Men are three times more likely to take their lives than women, with the two worst age groups being 19-25 and mid 40’s-50’s. These two critical stages of a man’s life contain considerable changes and stresses. “Men by nature feel an abundance of pride and they also feel shame acutely and because of this they don’t like opening up and sharing.” Instead, they feel they have to ‘man-up’. Clare believes “we need to get men to open up and to feel they can be listened too, valued and nurtured. Things are slowly changing and men are beginning to be more open about their emotions. Encouraging our boys to communicate from an early age, can only be a good thing”.
With the benefit of hindsight, what lessons can be learnt from this tragedy? Clare is adamant that you should never wait. “Act quickly, don’t hesitate and deal directly with the problem and don’t skirt around the issue. If you are really concerned then don’t be afraid to ask the question “are you feeling suicidal?” When asking if there were any other red flags, Clare outlines the following: notable changes in behaviour, anxiety and or depression, not wanting to socialise, losing weight, being withdrawn, mood swings, not sleeping well and just not being ‘themselves’.
Moving forward, Clare established a charitable fund and learnt in detail about mental health and the various charities which support it. But at the back of her mind, she was always thinking about her own experience with James and what could have been done to prevent his death. She believed that what was needed was “a very calm, peaceful and non-clinical space, where men felt secure”. Word got out about Clare’s vision and she was subsequently contacted by an academic at John Moores University who suggested that Liverpool could really benefit from a place like this. The wheels were put in motion and with the strong feelings of enthusiasm and engagement behind the project, Clare decided that this was the right path to follow and James’ Place was born.
From here it snowballed. Clare’s other son Harry, together with friends rowed across the Atlantic, raising over £650,000 which got the centre off the ground to open in June 2018. Since than another centre in London has been created and was opened on 3rd May by HRH The Duke of Cambridge. Referrals come via A&E, GPs, student bodies and self- referrals with the pledge to see people within 48 hours. Since Covid the centres have been flooded. “We are a small charity with big, big ambitions and with the desire to become a national charity. Funding is from individuals, trusts, businesses and foundations. We do now have some Government funding which is fantastic and endorses our service and what we do.” In the long term the dream would be to have a James’ Place in all the major cities.
With the charity up and running, Clare has been able to revisit her great love of writing. As well as The Magic Sandcastle there are other children’s books in the pipeline. There is also a book about dealing with the turmoil and the emotions of losing James, something she has wanted to write for ages but which she is finding the hardest book of all to produce. “I want to help those bereaved to find a path through life that allows them to live with their sorrow rather than their sorrow dictating their life.”
Join the Fairchild children who have entered a sandcastle competition while staying with their grandmother in Nantucket for the summer holidays. They spend all day constructing a beautiful fort but overnight the tide hampers their dreams. Will their combined efforts be enough to clinch the winning trophy?
The Magic Sandcastle is the debut picture book from mental health campaigner and former journalist Clare Milford Haven, featuring evocative illustrations by David William Press. Serenity Press HB £12.99 waterstones.com
